what are you working towards that you could use help with?

As a kid I assumed I would go to school, get married, and have kids. It seemed as though that is what everyone did, so it must be an easy plan. It has not turned out to be so easy. I guess school wasn't too bad. You know what to expect, for the most part, when it comes to schooling. Getting married didn't work out how I thought, however. I didn't get married until I was twenty-six. That's on the later end for girls in the LDS community. It was hard for me. I wanted to be married. I wanted to start my family. My least favorite question: "Are you dating anyone?" and when I answered no the response was even better, "Why?" Why would you ask someone why they weren't dating anyone? What answer are you looking for?

Well, I finally got the marriage thing sorted out. I found a really good one. Then the next step was to have kids, right. That shouldn't be too hard. Wrong again. First, I went on birth control when we first got married. That turned me in a crazy person. My periods lasted for two weeks, and I was an emotional nightmare. Poor Mister was probably wondering what he got himself into. I stayed on birth control for about a month or two, and then we decided to let fate take over. Well, fate decided to give us a lesson in patience. It took about a year and a half to get pregnant with Elle. I won't even start on the questions people ask about having babies and growing your family. Let's just leave it at this, there is never a need to ask anyone when they are going to start having kids, when they are going to grow their family, or why they don't have kids.

I know, I should consider myself blessed. Many cannot have children, or have to go to great lengths to make it happen. That doesn't change the fact that it was hard. Every month I had a frustrating reminder come and tell me that I was, once again, not pregnant. Some months I was sure I was pregnant. I drove myself crazy. Well, you know the ending to this story. Two years after we started trying for a baby we were blessed with Elle.

Now, here we are again trying to add to our family, and the timing is not what I would like. It's been over a year, and still no baby. I learned not to drive myself crazy this time though. According to my doctor, out of 100 couples only 50 will be pregnant after trying for six month. By the end of twelve months ninety percent of the couples will be pregnant. Mister and I are in the lucky ten percent. To make things even more fun, out of that ten percent, forty percent have a hard time getting pregnant because of female reproductive issues, forty percent have issues because of the male. Twenty percent can't get pregnant because of unknown reasons. That's us. We are the twenty percent out of the ten percent. We really should try for more lotteries.

For now, we have discovered that my Progesterone levels are low. I'm at a 1.9. The doctor explained that the preferred level is at least a 10. For now I try Clomid. This medication should hopefully raise my Progesterone levels and increase our chances of getting pregnant. It has some awesome side effects: ovulatory pain, hot flashes, night sweats, abdominal pain, nausea or vomiting, visual changes, headaches, abnormal bleeding, and the possibility of twins or triplets. For those of you who know me know that the idea of having twins is a nightmare. Oh well, I am willing to take the chance. Elle needs a sibling, and we want to grow our family. Hopefully it won't grow too quickly... Wish us luck!

how are you making a difference in the world?

Before I had Elle I was an elementary school teacher. It was the most rewarding and challenging job I have ever had. I loved teaching and I loved the students. I hated the hoops and all the people I had to please. I had to please the parents, the principal, the district, the state, and the list went on and on. Let's focus on what I loved. I loved seeing students light up when they finally caught on to a math concept. I loved seeing the pride in a child when they moved up a reading level. I loved seeing the surprise on a girl's face when she received 100% on a spelling test for the first time.

I loved the challenge of building a relationship with students that have been down on their luck for years -- who were known as the "bad kid". I have story after story of challenging students, and the transformation they had throughout the school year. I can testify that the children that are the hardest to love truly are the ones that need it the most. I also can attest to the fact that once you have earned their trust they will stay by your side forever. There are some students that will always have a piece of my heart. I won't ever forget them. I can't possibly forget them. They have helped make me who I am today. I never thought I could say that about nine and ten-year-olds, but it is true.

Although I am no longer a teacher, my influence on children remains. I have an influence on my own child, and hopefully future children. I have the opportunity to teach them how to be good people. I can show them the importance of integrity. I can prove to them that nothing feels better than honest, hard work. I can help them see that fairness doesn't necessarily mean equality. I can be an example of sympathy and kind-heartedness. I'm not a perfect parent, not will I ever be, but you better believe that I will try my hardest. The world needs that.

what is your perfect day?

My life is good. I really can't complain. Of course there are things I wouldn't mind changing, but I am so blessed. Mister is amazing, and Elle is the sweetest little toddler. We live in a great area with neighbors that would do just about anything for each other. However, if I could pick a perfect day it would probably look like this:

It would begin with me waking up on my own. No cat pawing at my face, no toddler yelling, "Mommy!" I would go downstairs and find Elle eating her breakfast perfectly. I would eat my own magically appearing plate of French toast with a glass of orange juice. The dishes would clean themselves, of course.

The morning weather would be sunny and beautiful. Elle and I would go for a walk, and when we got home she would play perfectly so I could take a nice shower and have plenty of time to get ready for the day. My mom would show up and we would shop the rest of the morning away. We would go to lunch and chat forever because Elle is eating her lunch like a champ.

When Elle and I get home we have some quality coloring time together before her nap. During her three hour nap I will read a good book while taking a bubble bath. After my bath, I would watch American Housewife while making a wreath. Mister would get home early, and we would drop Elle off to a babysitter so we could have a date night.

To start out the date Mister would take me to the mall and help me pick out a new outfit. We would then eat a delicious dinner. After dinner we would make our way to a Jazz game, then spend the night at a nice hotel.

Oh, man. That is what dreams are made of.

what was your childhood dream?

First thing that came to mind when I saw this question was the game M.A.S.H. that I played all.the.time growing up. You know the one:

M.A.S.H.

Occupation
Dentist
Lawyer
Teacher
Plumber

Car
Infinity QX80
1950's Chevy Truck
Jeep Wrangler
School Bus

Husband
George Clooney
Harrison Ford
Jake Gyllenhaal
Mr. Bean

Number of Kids
2
3
4
25

City I Live In
Paris
New York
Los Angeles
Bunkerville

Pet
Dog
Cat
Fish
Porcupine

I had Google randomly pick a number between 1 and 10, here are my results: I live in a shack in Los Angeles with Jake Gyllenhaal. We have 4 kids and a pet fish. I drive my Infinity to my dental office everyday for work. Thank you lucky number seven!

Seriously though, as a kid I didn't have one huge dream that I held onto forever. I was pretty flippant. I guess the most stable wish I had for my future was that I would marry and have kids. I wanted to be like my mom. Heck, I still want to be like my mom. I know I did toss around the idea of being a dentist, lawyer, teacher, and orthodontist. None of them stuck for a long period of time though.

I would love to hear your childhood dreams, and your M.A.S.H. stories. Nothing is more realistic than M.A.S.H. results.

what challenge do you want to overcome?

I have learned that I have very little self-control. Do you want to watch another 4 hours of Netflix even though you shouldn't? Sure! Do you want to eat that brownie even though you ate half the brownie batter while it was cooking? Sure! Do you want to sleep an extra 10 minutes instead of showering? Absolutely! I've learned that being a stay-at-home mom makes it even worse. I don't really have anyone to answer to. I mean, I have Mister, but he is so understanding and kind that he wouldn't judge me even if he knew how.

It's really easy for me to watch an extra show or two, or double-tap a million more pictures on Instagram while Elle is playing nicely instead of cleaning up the kitchen or vacuuming. This challenge has been hard for me to overcome because I don't have anyone around during the day to cheer me on, or nudge me in the right direction. It is just me and my limited self-control. I know it isn't going to happen overnight, but I need to come up with some benchmarks to help me see improvement. If I don't see improvement I give up on most things pretty easily.

I'm opening myself up here. If any of you have any suggestions for me I would love to hear them!

what would you do if you were not afraid?

Immature, late bloomer, loud, obnoxious, impulsive, overweight... I grew up with these labels. As an adult I am scared of what others think of me. First impressions terrify me; they matter a lot to humans. I prefer sitting at home and being with my family, mostly because I love spending time with my family, also because social situations give me anxiety. I hate small talk. I fail at it every time. Unless I am talking to a person that is great at carrying conversation, the chatting dies fairly quickly.

A lot of my friends have told me that when they first met me they thought I was full of myself. I am very talkative and animated when I am in a familiar crowd, but stick in a stranger and my lips are sealed. Many perceive this as me thinking that I am too good for them, when in reality I am terrified of what they might think of me.

I am fully aware that this is something I need to work on. I am missing out on a lot of great relationships because of my self-consciousness. I am making progress though. Little by little, I am accepting myself for who I am. It helps that I have a great husband. Mister hates it when I put myself down. It has made me really think about what I say. My friends help me too. It helps to know that people like me for who I am. I like being surrounded by people who know my weaknesses and love me anyway - there is nothing my empowering.

what risk are you happy that you took?

My final year of college I had a choice to finish like the majority - student teaching, teacher work sample, Praxis tests, and graduation - or I could do an internship. With an internship I would teach my final semester of school; skip student teaching (since I would already be teaching); finish college classes, my teacher work sample, and pass the Praxis test while teaching full-time; and graduate from college halfway through the elementary school year. I decided pretty quickly that an internship sounded too difficult so I would go the normal route, and do my student teaching.

A couple weeks after my decision my friend Chelci told me that they were doing teaching internship interviews in northern Utah. She told me I should apply. I laughed at her. If I didn't think I could handle doing an internship while being close to home, what made me think I could do it across the state from my family? The more I thought about it, the more I felt I should try, so I applied to intern up north. I figured my odds were pretty low since they had never selected anyone from my college before for this particular internship.

Much to my surprise, I received a phone call days later from a principal that was interested in interviewing me for an intern position. I didn't know what to do. It happened so fast. I agreed to a phone interview that would happen in a few more days. The next day I was telling one of my professors about the opportunity I had to interview for the internship. She wisely suggested that if there was any way that I could get up north and interview in person, that I should do it. It just turned out that my friend Chelci had a teaching interview up north the same day that the face-to-face intern interviews were happening. We ended up carpooling up north together for our interviews.

I still remember the shock on my dad's face when he asked why I was packing, and I explained to him about the interview. Days earlier I wasn't even considering an internship. I was a mess during the interview. I stumbled through the questions and tried to use as much "teacher lingo" as  I could. I thought I had completely blew it. What were the odds that they would pick someone like me from a very small college when they could get any student they wanted from the bigger universities up north? Believe it or not, I received a phone call a few days later from a principal at a school in Spanish Fork offering me a job as a 4th grade intern at his elementary school. It was so surreal.

I was so nervous. I had next to no teaching experience on  my own, and I was moving to an area where I knew no one. This would be my first time living away from home. What was I getting myself into? I'm not going to lie, it was a hard year. When I look back to any photos taken of me that year I had dark circles under my eyes, my hair was in desperate need of a haircut, and none of my clothes fit me from a dramatic weight-loss. I couldn't afford to go home and visit my family, and I'm pretty sure I was one step away from a complete nervous breakdown.

Although this internship taught me a lot, and opened up a lot of doors in my career for me, that isn't why I am glad I took the risk. I very much believe that if it weren't for that internship I wouldn't have moved to northern Utah, and if I wouldn't have moved up north I wouldn't have met the love of my life. It took me a couple of years to meet him, but Mister just lived up the street from me. Talk about a blessing in disguise.

what is most important to you?

Elle's blessing day

When I first saw this question I thought I knew my answer immediately, family. As I thought more about it, however, I realized that the most important part of my life is my faith, my beliefs, my religion. To be fair, though, my religion is centered around families.

Who I am, and my actions are based off of my belief system. I love my parents and my family because I know the importance of families in God's plan for me. I respect my parents because it is commanded of me, and I know it's right. Education is important to me. I love learning, and it is because the more I learn the more I see God's hand in everything.

The theory of evolution makes me laugh. With everything I know about the human body and is complexities I cannot fathom the idea that it happened by a single cell splitting over and over again. The big bang theory is just as hilarious to me. This earth is in the perfect condition for life, and you want me to believe it was out if luck? We have a living Heavenly Father that sent His son to create this world for us. That same son came down to Earth later, as a baby boy, and lived a perfect life so he could become our Savior.

My religion has taught me that I am a daughter of God, and that I should live my life in a way that He would see fit. I should serve and love others. I should respect my spirit and my body enough to reserve myself for the man that will become my husband. I should learn more about my Father in Heaven and my brother, Jesus Christ so I can emulate their attributes and become more like them.

I know, through my religion, that there is life after death. I know that I can be with my family forever of I live a life worthy of that blessing. That is why my religion is the most important to me. I want my family forever, and because of my religion I know how.

skipping the small talk, and getting straight to business

I love watching Ted Talks on YouTube. I feel renewed in a different way with every one I watch. Recently I stumbled across a Ted Talk about talking big instead of using small talk with those around us. Essentially she spoke on how we could get to know anyone better if we ask more meaningful questions. I am terrible at small talk. I always get awkward and run out of things to say, like I have a certain script to follow, and once the script has been rehearsed I'm out of ideas.

For the new year I want to take the time to get to know myself better, and it turn, allowing you to get to know me better as well. I'm really good at putting up walls and barriers. I shut myself out to avoid getting hurt. In January, the walls com down. That could be a good or bad thing. Hopefully I don't get too up close and personal, but I won't apologize for any of it. Welcome 2017!